Bitches be Hangry: A Treatise on War in the Middle East*

Some of you may have noticed that I can be a little bit impulsive.  And also a little bit prideful.  So when Ali and I were discussing Ramadan (because Ali is ACTUALLY OBSERVING RAMADAN which, as I came to find out, is completely insane) and the idea of me trying Ramadan for a day came up, I agreed to it/volunteered to do it without really thinking and then stupid blabbermouth me told everyone about my plan so there was no way I could back out with my pride intact.  I decided to document my Ramadan day for the blog, partly because DBJ demanded it and partly because I will do literally anything to avoid studying for the bar.  Spoiler alert: I survived.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

1:35 AM

Did you all know that the University District Safeway is open until 2AM? Did you also know that when you try to google the U-District Safeway’s hours, google’s first autofill response is “University District Safeway SHOOTING?!?” (Emphasis added.) What a charming neighborhood this is, guys.  Note to self: invest in mace.

All of the above fun learning took place when, at 12:30AM, I was halfway done preparing my pre-Ramadan late dinner/midnight snack of pancakes and I realized that I was out of syrup.  It was a catastrophic oversight.  I surveyed my kitchen for any other suitable options but I already had one pancake made – I could smell the splash of vanilla I’d added to the batter...  These were the desperate times they warn you about.  I did some quick internet searching and set off for Safeway.

It was not the smoothest of journeys.  Fun fact: slamming your finger in your car door hurts just as badly as it did when you were six years old and your mom forgot you still had to get out of the car!  At least this time I had the liberty to say what I was thinking, which was “fuck you, you motherfucking fuck fuck FUCK.”  Alessandro (my car) is a fickle bitch sometimes.

Anyway, syrup was procured. Pancakes were eaten.  I am pretty full, and this is about four hours past my bedtime so I’m going to sleep like a baby.  This Ramadan thing is going to be a walk in the park.

3:23 AM

I’ve made a terrible mistake.  Can’t sleep.  CAN’T SLEEP.

Also I’m starting to feel like sleeping through Ramadan is cheating and I am nothing if not a woman of integrity (haha?) (but seriously).  This might just be the exhaustion talking though.  I’ll reassess tomorrow (today) evening when I wake up.

12:32 PM

Just woke up! Actually, this is the second time – I initially woke up at 7:30, inexplicably, and looked at my clock, thought to myself, “puppy please,” and went back to sleep.  Not going to lie, was hoping to see at least 2PM on my clock when I checked it just now.  I am super freaking thirsty. 

I am also realizing I don’t know the rules of this thing AT ALL.  Hasty decision-making, man.  I have some googling to do.  Preliminary questions: am I allowed to brush my teeth? What time is sunset?  Is it cheating to take a four-hour nap?  Also, what is the religious meaning behind Ramadan? Because I am starting to feel like a tool for using it as my personal challenge day.

2:57 PM

So, turns out Ramadan is about being mindful of the suffering of others and being thankful for the blessings in one’s own life.  I took a few minutes to think about that just now.  At the risk (or rather, certainty) of sounding like a cheeseball, I am thankful for YOU fools, for being hilarious and sarcastic and smart (or dumb in funny ways, as I strive to be) and generally awesome.  This may be the thirst talking, but I really appreciate you guys.  (I am realizing now that I don’t know who all reads this, which is unnerving.  So I should say: I’m grateful for SOME of you.  Ha?)  I am also thankful for the internet, for the fact that diet dr. pepper exists, and for the fact that my baby niece who is SO SO CUTE has recently decided that maybe I’m NOT a terrifying monster and that I can hold her sometimes, under very specific conditions and when an escape route is clearly available.

Grumpster selfie.  

Notice the tear from when Aunt Kenzie had the AUDACITY to make eye contact!

On another note entirely, my housemate is out of town for several days and he asked me to take care of his cat, the creatively-named Miss Kitty.  Miss Kitty is a stray that he adopted because she hung out on our porch all the time.  I thought he should name her Stoop Cat, or T-Rex Bone Crusher or SOMETHING badass, but I am allergic to cats and assumed none of the responsibility of caring for her, so he went with Miss Kitty instead.  Miss Kitty usually gets her dinner around 6PM, but tonight that sloot is going to have to wait.  In this house, if Mama ain’t eating, NO ONE EATS.

I am so hungry, guys.  =(

5:11 PM

I am in a very weird, masochistic place right now.  Also, some weird stuff comes up when you google image search "cheeseburger."  This one is my favorite:

7:32 PM

Only two more hours! Getting pretty excited about dinner, but also not thinking about it because it makes my stomach hurt.  Time is crawling by, as though to deliberately mock me with its slowness.  I would murder someone for a diet dr. pepper, but my pride is at stake, and so I shall be strong. 

I also learned, thanks to the internet and a helpful reminder from Ali, that Ramadan is about more than abstaining from food and water.

Thanks, buddy. 

8:30 PM

I am dominating this Ramadan thing.  I decided to make some sweet rolls just for fun and I put together the dough and there were some delicious remnants on my fingers after I kneaded it and I DIDN’T EAT THEM.  I WASHED THEM AWAY.  Hashtag killing it.

9:22 PM

I FORGOT TO TAKE A PICTURE OF MYSELF BREAKING THE FAST!  I had McDonalds french fries, and they were the best thing I've ever tasted.  Since there is no way to get that moment in time back to document for posterity, I offer in the alternative this glamor shot I made Liu pose for when she asked me to take a professional-looking picture of her for work a couple summers ago.

Shockingly, this is not the picture she went with for her office's website.

Bottom line: Ramadan is hard.  I am more fully aware of my weakness as a human, given that 12-year-olds in the Middle East do this for a month straight and I made myself literally lol at the thought of doing it for a second day.  I think, for now, I'll stick with Methodism.

*This is not actually a treatise on war in the Middle East, a topic on which I am entirely unqualified to comment.  My Fox News show on the subject debuts soon.